Jealous or Insecure?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs we have 4 children the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 9 months old. My husband and I have been having problems for a long time.

Our problem is me I guess to say. I have a very Jealous issue with him. I hate him talking to other females when I am not around even the ones he works with. I feel they want him and he will leave me for his co workers. He has lost all his friends bc I don’t want him hanging with them bc I feel his friends are going to pick up girls and my husband is going to cheat on me. We would fight really bad about it. He basically stopped hanging with them bc he wanted me to be happy. Even his own mother I hated when he would g and call her when. Wasn’t around I would be so angry and start saying mean things to him, l only liked him calling his mom when I was around and it would have to be on speaker phone so I could hear. I felt she would want to say bad things about me. He told me that I was paranoid and she doesn’t. I would even get mad with her texting him. I always checked his phone to see his texts or calls.

I also don’t like going out with me I get so mad if he goes somewhere with out me which means taking the whole family out to the food store or where ever. I have hated all his jobs he has worked at bc I feel he is going to leave me for his co workers. I always called him at work his cell phone 1st and during his lunch break if he didn’t answer I would call back untill he did answer. If he didn’t answer it got me so angry and then I wild call his work line which then I would yell at the receptionist.

Basically I don’t trust My kids going to other people’s house as well. I don’t like them even taking the bus. I need help and envy dr thought I was depressed and prescribed depression meds which did nothing. They now think I’m bipolar and the meds don’t help either I don’t know what’s wrong with me I need help suggestions would be great thanks!

A: I agree. Your problem seems to be within yourself. You are in grave danger of creating the very things you most fear. Your jealousy is isolating your family from normal friendships and relationships. At some point, your husband will have had enough! As your kids get older, and going through the normal separations of the teen years, they too will withdraw from you.

What you are calling “jealousy” is actually very deep-seated insecurity. Either something happened to you that makes you feel that the people you love will abandon you or you have a personality disorder that makes you emotionally unstable – or both. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of what you’ve written. But a mental health counselor can.

I hope your family means enough to you for you to go get an evaluation. There is still time to fix this. So far, your husband is somehow tolerating your fears and is generally supportive. Your children are still young. With some work, you can save your marriage and keep your family together. But it won’t happen without the work. I suggest you take your letter and this response to the first session. It will give your therapy a jump-start.

I applaud you for writing. You probably had to work up your courage to admit that you have a problem. Hold onto that strength and call to make an appointment with a therapist today.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Jun 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Jealous or Insecure?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/06/15/jealous-or-insecure/