Is My Boyfriend Abusive? Am I Insecure?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for just over two years. We can’t even go 1 week without fighting and will go long periods of time (up to four months) without talking. I have taken him on 1 date, and he may have taken me out once, but that is about it. 99% of our fights are text messages. He doesn’t take anything I say seriously, he verbally attacks me all the time, imp pathetic, a train wreck, a waste of his two years… so he says when he is mad. I don’t understand how he could say he loves me? He doesn’t treat me well at all and I feel abused by him. He makes me feel insecure and like I can’t do better. He belittles me, downplays all of my accomplishments. He talks about everyone behind his or her backs, he speaks poorly of my family, my family hates him, my friends hate him, I may hate him. I’m upset with him more than I’m happy with him. He makes me feel awful. He has control over me and he likes to make me unhappy. I always go back to him because I feel alone…but he makes me feel alone when we are together as well. I would say that I am at the end of my rope but what does that even mean? I have said it so many times but I keep going back. He makes me so unhappy, he is sooo cheap, and he isn’t kind or caring…. so I guess I am saying that our morals and values are completely different. He got me pregnant, I couldn’t keep it due to health reasons, and when I freaked out (and I freaked out), he told me that the way I handled myself with the news was the biggest turn off. He said it made him not attracted to me. I was pregnant with an abusive mans child and he was treating me like I didn’t handle it properly. How could he know how it should be handled? Was he pregnant? Did he have to kill his child? It broke my heart and all he had to say about it was that I didn’t handle it properly. He speaks nothing but horrible words about women; he says that we are all the same. IF HE HATES WOMEN SO MUCH, WHY DOESNT HE JUST GET A BOYFRIEND? I need help. (Sorry for my horrid grammar, I am very upset.)

A: The desire to make something unworkable work has left you in orbit around your boyfriend. His issues would require some very intense interventions over an extended period of time.

The real question here is: What kind of support do you need to leave? There is nothing here to work on, nothing to build on, yet you remain in orbit hoping for him to change. In an indirect way, by returning to the relationship you are allowing him to continue treating you poorly.

I would contact the local women’s center in your area for support, therapy, and if needed some legal advice. Don’t wait. Men with the anger management issues your boyfriend has usually continue to escalate. Don’t let his misogynistic ways continue to harm your well-being.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Jun 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Is My Boyfriend Abusive? Am I Insecure?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/06/10/is-my-boyfriend-abusive-am-i-insecure/