I’m a 31 year old virgin male. Beyond the obvious pain and humiliation of never having had sex (I prefer not to wait until marriage), I genuinely fear I will never have sex or love because so many women want a man my age with experience in bed. I don’t know how to approach this issue; I feel like when I do bring it up I get lip service about how it’s okay but I don’t believe it. Acceptance of my virginity is an absolute must, and I don’t want to be heartbroken if I do find someone I think I love only for her not to accept that part of me. How and when should I bring up my lack of sexual history and is there a point where I should give up hope of ever having meaningful (or any) sex at all?
A: Everything you’ve heard about this phrase is true: For others to accept you, you must first accept yourself. It sounds like this internal struggle has been problematic for a long time. Self-acceptance seems like the only real way through this. A major feature of self-acceptance is allowing yourself to feel the frustration, ambiguity and anxiety yet not be compelled to push it one way or another. In other words, I would cultivate a meditation practice that allows you to feel this anxiety without having to fix it. The website positivityresonance.com by leading researcher Barbara Fredrickson has samples of a variety of different kinds of meditations. I would strongly recommend you beginning to cultivate a meditation practice that would allow you to integrate the thoughts and feelings around this issue. Once you’ve been able to be okay with yourself the likelihood of finding someone to connect with you is likely to be improved.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 May 2013
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Virginity Hindering My Chances at Love. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/05/31/virginity-hindering-my-chances-at-love/