Psych Central

Issue with Girlfriend’s Past

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

3 months ago I went back to my home country. I fell in love with my best friend’s elder sister. She is 2 years older than me. We had known each other 3years back but we never spoke. This time we dated few times and then fell in love with each other. We are soon planning to marry each other but her past is killing me inside.

1) She had past 2 relations, I was a virgin. She is my first. She told me she never loved them. Both her 2 relations were only for fun. She never wanted to marry them. She had planned to just have fun and mess around. Later in life, she would marry some rich old man because she never believed in love. She had two men who wanted to marry her but she had kept them just as an option because she dint love anyone. She had also accepted to marry one of them. When we met, I had no idea of such thing. We fell in love and now she has stopped talking to all of them. We are soon planning to get married.

2) In her past relations, she dint even wanted to have sex. She had sex with them just because she they were gf and bf and it was necessary. She dint even like kissing them. Since we have been together, all these thought have changed.am I being lied to? The visions of her and her exes having sex never seem to get out of my mind. It is making me sick inside. The fact that she had them for fun never seems to go away. I do want to marry her and love her but the fact that she’s been there done that makes me hurt.

3) Her past often makes me angry and it is affecting our relation.
I love her but hate her for her past.
Kindly please help me,
thank you

A: It is not uncommon for people to have had a few intimate relationships by their late 20s. My guess is that you being a virgin and her having had experience in relationships is at the root of your concern. It is hard to imagine something we have not experienced.

That having been said it is important to note that at this stage of life it is unlikely that you will meet anyone that has not had a past romantic relationship. I would focus on the here and now you have with her. Here is what you have said:

  1. She has stopped contact with others. This is a very good sign of her intention and commitment.
  2. She has described her relationships in a way that makes sense – meaning that she was not in love and maintained them because she wanted options.
  3. Her relationship with you has changed her thoughts and feelings about herself and what she wants.

Taken together this would seem to be a good indication of her commitment and willingness to be a partner with you. Your relationship is new, and this will mean that as you grow together these concerns are likely to take a back seat. Meditation may be an excellent way for you to modulate your feelings and angst about the situation. Over time her commitment to you will dispel these concerns.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 20 Apr 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Issue with Girlfriend’s Past. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 16, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/04/20/issue-with-girlfriends-past/

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