Always Jealous of Other Girls

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 19 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, his previous relationships, he cheated, ended after a few weeks etc so I went into the relationship thinking it would happen to me.

It started off ok until he started ‘liking’ + commenting on other girls photos for about 6 months, I confronted him and he stopped. One day after that a random girl messaged me saying I need to control my bf as he’s flirting with her friend’s gf, i confronted, he denied and he told me to check his fb inboxes, so I did. This was a big mistake. I came across many flirty in boxes with many girls, asking them over, one in particular he never met but was of course telling her he wants to have sex with her, I was naturally fuming and he apologized, but the thing that got me the most he had said ‘I wish I met you before my lass’. I was hurt badly but stayed with him, he kept saving pictures of other girls in boxing some telling them they looked nice but I admit he hasn’t flirted or anything.

Another thing is, I am not his typical type ‘blonde, big boobs, curvy girl’ but most of his ex’s are. I’ve always hated my boobs, before getting with him so I have been saving for a boob job, to boost my confidence. The thing is, one ex is a ‘friend’ and he mentions her now and again, but I can’t help get insanely jealous and paranoid that he wants these other girls, I know he loves me and I trust him not to cheat on me, but the messages in the past keep running through my head and upset me everyday, I can’t seem to shift them.

I seem to be getting worse and worse when he is the perfect boyfriend atm, we’ve had many talks and he knows my jealousy and we can’t brjng ourselves to end it, as we both don’t want too. But I feel like my jealousy is destroying my relationship, I hate my body even though he doesn’t want me to change it, i just don’t feel good enough and hoping this boob job helps me but i’ve a long way to save up for that and need advice to control my paranoia and jealousy.
Thanks

A: Neither one of you is ready for a relationship. Friendships, absolutely, but not a committed relationship. You’ve been working against nature. The teen years are supposed to be a time when you try on a number of relationships in order to figure out what kind of person you want to be and what kind of person you want to be with. Instead of letting yourselves have the freedom to make lots of friends and to gain experience with the other sex, you two have been trying to act like you’re married or something. You call your boyfriend’s interest in other girls “cheating”. I call it normal looking around. You say your problem is your jealousy. I think the problem is that you don’t really believe that someone wonderful will stick by you. You blame your lack of self-confidence on your boob size. Frankly I doubt that a boob job is going to help. You’ll just be the same insecure person with bigger boobs.

Even though it’s painful, what you and your boyfriend are going through is perfectly normal. You both have good instincts. You know that you aren’t ready to be committed but you keep fighting with your own good sense. You both know that you have personal work to do before you can make a commitment. You need to work on loving yourself, regardless of the size of your boobs, your nose, or your earlobe. External stuff like that isn’t who you are. He needs to have enough experience with women that he can settle with someone without wondering what he is missing.

I suggest give yourselves and each other room to learn more about the other sex. Go out with a variety of people. Have fun. You don’t need to settle into a committed relationship yet. You do need to commit time to making yourselves into someone who can.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Apr 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Always Jealous of Other Girls. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/04/04/always-jealous-of-other-girls/