Falling in Love with the Wrong People

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I fall in love with the wrong people and it tends to make me more depressed. I have suffered from low self esteem for basically my whole life because i am over weight. So when i have a crush on someone, or fall in love with them its extremely difficult to accept the fact that they might feel the same way. I also have severe depression and added to the low self esteem it doesn’t help much.
I am right now in love with two people. One boy, ive been in love with for over three years and he is my best friend. Sometimes i feel as if he might feel the same way about me but other times i think its impossible because of how i look. The other boy, who is another really good friend of mine i am also in love with. Hes struggling with his sexuality right now, and hes taken an interest in me in the past.
I think ive made myself fall in love with him because i feel like i cant do any better than him. And i have recently found out he only was interested in me because he wanted to find out if he was straight or not.
The fact that im in love with two people who i feel as though i cant have is really depressing and more than anything i just want the feelings to go away. How do i do that? Or better yet how do i find out if the boy ive been in love with for three years feels the same way about me without ruining our friendship?

A: At only 16, you have lots of time to figure out love and relationships. First things first. Have you been to a doctor to talk about your weight and depression? If you were seeing me, I’d want to be sure that your thyroid is working as it should. If not, it may be contributing to both your physical and emotional problems. If you are medically okay, we would then work on why it is difficult for you to lose the weight. Is it possible that you overeat to comfort yourself when you feel bad about yourself? It’s not an uncommon response. If that’s the case, we would work to find other ways for you to quiet your anxieties and to give yourself comfort.

The good news is that you make good friendships with men and can sustain those friendships for a long time. That’s a gift. I get hundreds of letters from girls who can’t figure out for a minute how to get along with the other sex.

I have a guess that if you could address your weight issues directly and get into shape, your self-esteem and your love life would immediately improve. I suggest you make that doctor appointment to make sure you are medically okay. If so, see a nutritionist and maybe a therapist to get the support you need to lose the extra pounds. Eat sensibly. Get to the gym or find a sport you can genuinely enjoy. Focus on loving yourself enough to take care of yourself. When you do, love will naturally come your way.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Apr 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Falling in Love with the Wrong People. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/04/02/falling-in-love-with-the-wrong-people/