Psych Central

Should I Stay With My Lying Boyfriend?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 yr and a half. For this entire time we have never been happier, I love him to death and he loves me. We are loving towards each other, we communicate well about our issues and resolve them by talking.
My boyfriend once lied to me about who he went swimming in this pond near his house with. He told me he went with a couple of his friends and left out Danielle (Danielle is a girl we had issues with because I had feelings that something happened between them, Danielle is very good friends with his mom so he would be at his house often and he would usually walk her home late at night). After I confronted him about the strong hunch I had that that story was not complete he confessed did not tell me about her being there because he claimed he did not want me to think anything happened between them. I told him if nothing happened then it shouldn’t be an issue to tell me about her. He understood, apologized severely and promised to be open with me regardless of the situation. I forgave him and moved on.

A few days ago he was supposed to come over after class ended at 9pm. He called me at 8:45pm claiming he was going to drop his classmate off at the metro and go to his mom’s house for an hour to help her pack for a trip she suddenly decided to take. I asked why he had to go there and just for an hour if we were already going there the next morning? He said he needed to go there and would be back within the hour. A few minutes after we got off the phone I got a very strong feeling that something was off, I called his mom and asked for my boyfriend (Jim) and she was asleep and told me he wasn’t there. So I waited for him to get home and asked how it went as his mom’s. He blatantly lied to me saying it went fine that they didn’t pack too much. I also asked several questions about who the girl was he gave a ride to and he got the names mixed up even though he has known her for 2 semesters and when I asked him why he doesn’t even know a girl who he’s giving rides to name, he pinch his nose, put his face down and squinted his eyes and said he wasn’t sure what her name was that he thought was something, but maybe another.
I then asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. He said no. I asked him again and he denied again. I then asked why he was lying. He then asked “what do you think I’m lying about?” I then asked him again, why are you lying to me.

He then confessed to me he went to his friend Matt’s house instead to get some narcotics for his mother.

Here’s the thing, he has never lied to me before other than these 2 times that I know of. He is an amazing boyfriend that treats me like a lady. He talks to me like I am the love of his life and does anything to see me happy. And I am sure that he has never cheated on me.

What do I do? I feel like after this fiasco, I can’t trust him. I am now questioning everything he’s said to me. I believe he went to his friend’s house, but I just don’t want to forgive him and have him do this again a year from now.

A: I would rather trust a woman’s instinct than a man’s reason. ~Stanley Baldwin

For me this is at the very core of a relationship. In the long run this is a deal-breaker because trust is the very essence of love. Without it there can’t be a healthy relationship. I would make this a central focus now and explain what it has done to you, why it needs to be addressed and explain that if he wants to keep the relationship going that this has to be resolved. Otherwise you are building your love on sand at the edge of an ocean of potential lies.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Apr 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). Should I Stay With My Lying Boyfriend?. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/04/01/should-i-stay-with-my-lying-boyfriend/

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