Not in Love with Husband

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am a 24 years old married and mother of two. I have been married for three years now. I met my husband three and a half years ago. I got pregnant with in a few months after we met and we decided to get married. I was a student and did not not have a job.

Right after we got married, we started to have issues. Thinking about it now, he was never my type and I was never in love with him. I was young and made one of the biggest mistake of my life which was to get married simply because I was pregnant. Do not get me wrong, my husband is a nice guy. He did a lot of good things for me and I made a lot of positive changes in my life because of him. He tried to show his love as much and has always been a faithful guy. However, I always felt like there was lack of intimacy in our relationship. I think the problem was that our sex life was amazing and we were blindsided by that. Now that our sex life is not as attractive anymore, it seems like there is nothing interesting left in our relationship.

I have tried and tried for three years but I can not even get myself to kiss him anymore.Sex is a torture for me. I feel like being raped every time we have sex. Or I will have to think about someone else in order to get in the same mood. It is eating me up alive. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to live like this.I lost that attraction to him with in a few weeks after we moved in together.

Sometimes,I think about the life I will have if we separate and it gives me this amazing feeling. I never felt sad when I think about life without him. I do feel this guilt and fear of-course but never sadness. Right now, I feel like I am stuck. I never felt this lonely in my life ever. I feel like I need some time for myself. I love my kids and I want to be there for them.But I can’t stand my husband anymore.Every word he speaks irritates me. Even when he tries to be nice,it is so irritating. I tried to be nice to him but I seem to find something to complain about. But then again, I feel this guilt when I think about leaving him.

He has been a good husband and father throughout the years, but I can not bring myself to love him. I just cannot see myself with him for the rest of my life. I want to love him but I cannot. There are no stories that I did not tell myself to convince myself to be in love and bring back that attraction. But nothing ever worked.Our way of communication is bad and there is little to no respect in our marriage what is so over. Now the dilemma is that even though I know I gave it all i got for the past three years, I just can not seem to be sure if divorce is the right decision for me. I know deep inside that the relationship is beyond damaged, but why can’t I just let it go and move on? why do I feel this way? I am dying inside and it is affecting every aspect of my life. It is like I am in a mental prison right now. I want to be free. I want to be happy.HELP ME PLEASE!!!

A: I can’t tell you whether you should get a divorce on the basis of only a letter. I can sympathize with your pain and confusion. The situation you describe sounds awful. I’m guessing he is as miserable as you are. He can’t not know that you are turned off by him. It’s to both your credit that you have stayed together this long. I suspect it’s partly because neither one of you really wants your kids to be split between houses and partly because there are still memories of that intoxicating time when there was great sex and passion between you. Sex can be a powerful glue.

My best advice is that the two of you should go to see a couples counselor. Counseling isn’t always to help a couple get back together. Sometimes it’s intended to help people learn from their experience and to pull apart in a way that takes care of everyone — you, your husband, and the kids. Even if you do divorce, you two will be co-parenting for years. If your children are to grow up emotionally healthy, you need to reclaim your respect for each other and to operate cooperatively. That alone is good enough reason to spend some time in a counselor’s office. Further, chances are the two of you will also learn things that will help you not make the same mistakes when you start looking for mates again.

If he won’t go to see a counselor, please go yourself. You need help to either change this destructive situation or to get out of it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Mar 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Not in Love with Husband. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/03/29/not-in-love-with-husband/