Losing Game of Cat and Mouse

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Serbia: Hello,first of all i want to say that i am sorry for possible mistakes because my English is not perfect.This is my story:
When i was 17 i met some guy on Facebook and he was 30 and he had a girlfriend.I thought it’s ok because it is just chatting.But 2 years after,i came to study in the same city where he is living.At that moment,his girlfriend was his fiance.I told him that i came to college and i thought it’s a good idea to meet him.When i met him i was so disappointed.I didn’t like him at all.But than he started to send me messages and he made me think about him and i started to have some kind of relationship with him.I told him that i didn’t have sex and he said that we can’t be together if we don’t have sex,but month after,he called me again and he said that he can wait.In February last year he told me that his fiance is pregnant and that we can’t see each other anymore.I was so sad and i told my mom,sister and some friends about that relationship.I was thinking about him,but 6 months after,i stopped.In September he called me again and we started to chat and i was with him again.I felt regret for his wife,she was pregnant and he called me,but i thought that he likes me because we still didn’t have sex and he called me,not some other girl with who he can have it easily.But little after New Year he stopped to call me,and few days ago i sent him message and he told me that he can’t be with me until we have sex.I found out that his girlfriend is rich so i guess maybe it is the reason why he is with her.I really don’t think that he likes her,cause he was chatting with me all the time,until she was just a girlfriend.I am so confused,i know that this is bad and i promised my family and friends that i will not make the same mistake,so i can’t tell about this anyone.I really don’t know what to do

A: What you should do is run. This guy is a cat and you’ve been his willing mouse. Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with a man who is betraying his pregnant wife by playing games with you? If he will do it to her, I assure you he will eventually do the same to you. Why are you letting this guy kind of blackmail you into having sex when you barely know each other? I would hope that you’ll only have sex with someone who loves you deeply and who wants to really be with you. And why are you willing to participate in this guy’s despicable behavior toward his wife instead of sending him home to deal with her honestly? If you were married, you’d be rightfully hurt and furious with any woman who didn’t back you up.

This man isn’t worth thinking about, yet you do. I wonder if the drama with this guy is helping you avoid thinking about why you haven’t found an appropriate person to love. You’ve given up 3 years when you could have been learning how to relate to men and finding a loving man to be in your life. Please stop occupying yourself with this destructive fantasy relationship and take an honest look at whether you really want romance. If you do, the next step is to figure out how to meet a quality guy who will cherish you for yourself and not demand sex as payment for the relationship. You deserve far better than what this man is offering.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Mar 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Losing Game of Cat and Mouse. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 30, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/03/24/losing-game-of-cat-and-mouse/