I Didn’t Marry My Soul Mate

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Ok so I am 25 years old and have been married for 3 years however I have always felt like I’m married to someone who is just a friend. I love her but not in the romantic sense and unfortunately I know I’ve used her simply to combat my fear of being alone forever. We married young and have actually only been together for about 6 years. I thought I’d be able to live with my decision but I feel as though I have found my true soul mate. I know you may read this and say that I fall in and out of love easily but the truth is I’ve never fallen in love until now with a young woman who is not my wife. I don’t know what to do I have a wonderful life really a good job and a wife who loves me unconditionally but I’m just not happy with her and I feel by making a rash decision I have trapped myself. I can’t stop thinking of her though when I hug my wife I think of hugging the one. I should also add that the love of.my life feels the same way and we both felt the connection when we first met and we instantly became close. I don’t like controversy and I feel like I’m in a life time movie but I cant ignore my heart can I? It would be a lot easier to stay with my wife but isn’t love all abut conquering challenges and jumping obstacles to be together? I say it would be difficult because my soul mate lives in Germany but we met here in the US where I live and she was here about a year. I would have to move and I am more than willing to but is it the right choice or is there something else to explain it. These are just the ramblings of a love struck pup who needs guidance, do I stay and just live but always wonder and regret or do I take a chance and go to be with the one I truly love please advise.

A: I appreciate the depth of your feeling and the need to sort it though. I can offer you what I’ve learned.

Literally everyone I know who has gone through this has made the interpretation that finding a new love has stirred an internal conflict and they are now in a predicament. In this line of reasoning the solution, whatever it is, is ferociously complex and messy. This is because it looks like there are all these decisions that need to be made. But in truth there is really only one decision that you have to deal with. Do you want to stay with your wife or not? The fact that you are so powerfully drawn to someone else is only partly about that other person. It is primarily about the fact that your marriage isn’t what you hoped it would be. You soul mate is a symptom of your marriage first and foremost. If the marriage were fantastic you would not have been interested in pursuing your new love.

So the work is in looking at your marriage and deciding if it has enough left in it to make a go of it. If it does—then you do everything in your power to make it work. If it doesn’t, part as easily as possible, recognizing you both will need to have compassion for each other because it will be hard– but both deserve to be in a relationship where your partner is as committed and into you as you are to them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 9 Mar 2013

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2013). I Didn’t Marry My Soul Mate. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/03/09/i-didnt-marry-my-soul-mate/