Just Learned Boyfriend Cheated Years Ago

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend of 8 years cheated 6 years ago and i just found out. I found out from one of his old friends. When I approached him about it he denied it. Finally he admitted it but said it only happened one time and he regretted it.

I don’t understand how he kept it from me for 6 years. We now have a 4 year old child and he has a son that is 12 and i have raised him since he was 3. I’m finding it hard to make a decision on whether or not I should leave him.

He has been without a job for 4 years now and hasn’t really made a attempt to get one either. Never really has been able to keep a steady job our entire relationship.

A: He didn’t bring it up because he was hoping you’d never find out and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It wasn’t an honest choice but I can understand how, with each passing day, he thought maybe it didn’t have to come up.

If he has been a good partner and father for the last 6 years, you have reason to forgive him and to move on. But – I’m also hearing that you aren’t happy about his lack of employment. He hasn’t had a job since you your child was born? What’s that about? Yes, the economy has made it hard for lots of people but you also say he hasn’t kept a job ever. Since you brought it up, I’m guessing it’s not really okay with you.

Maybe your current distress about long ago cheating is a way you are telling yourself that your life together isn’t what you think it should be. Think hard about whether the choices you’ve made still make sense to you. If not, it’s time to have a very honest talk with your boyfriend about where this relationship is going. Perhaps you want to renegotiate expectations.

At 30 years old, you two aren’t kids. You know what the responsibilities of adult life and parenting are. Let this be an opportunity to think about what is and isn’t working for you both and to make some important changes.

I wish you well.

Dr., Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Mar 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). Just Learned Boyfriend Cheated Years Ago. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/03/06/just-learned-boyfriend-cheated-years-ago/

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