My Boyfriend Wants to Change Me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

hello.i am with my man for over 6 years.he is 6 years older.we have a communication problem, actually i have, and i cant stop lying.i dont know why.it comes automatically, and it built up so high frustration in my partner that it brought us to physical violence. i dont do it because i want to, i just cant stop.

he is an open active person, i am not, and he is trying to change me since we have met. but he is so pushy it makes me tired.though he says its for my own good, so i can build up my life..i dont know how to change all of this..

he wants power and respect, i want a family and calm good life. is there any solution to this?? i am trying not to lie, but it comes automatically and then i am too scared to tell the truth. i wish we could have an equal level of communication and we could have stopped hurting each other. he is an impulsive controlling person.. and i like doing things my way. please help me.. i am crying every day, we only fight

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A: Please listen to your own good wisdom. As much as you may love this man, you don’t like an important part of his character. Because he is six years older, he thinks he has a right to mold you into who he wants you to be. He doesn’t love you as you are. The way you match his power and control is by lying. In that moment, you are in charge. The problem with using lying as an equalizing strategy is that you end up not liking yourself very much either.

Instead of going underground, it would be more helpful if you were to talk openly with him about your concerns. Ask him if he can give up the improvement project and love you as you are. If he insists that he knows better how you should be, please reconsider this relationship. You are only 22. You have plenty of time to find a man who will be delighted to be an equal partner instead of a teacher and critic.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Feb 2013

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2013). My Boyfriend Wants to Change Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2013/02/24/my-boyfriend-wants-to-change-me/