Fiance Refuses Wedding Talk

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

A man who says I am the love of his life; wants me to hold his hand when he dies; sends me poems; music; brings me flowers; thinks we are soul mates & treats me like a queen asked me to marry him this summer. I feel the same & said yes. (We were together in our 20′s, had miscommunication about our feelings & both were devasted when we parted. We pined for each other for decades & didn’t know the other felt the same. We never married anyone because no one measured up to what we had. We have reunited after 30 yrs & are ecstatic about it; love each other more than ever. We feel our love story is better than any hollywood version) He said he wants to get married in the spring when he has time off from work. It is now fall & I need to start planning this wedding! Why doesn’t he talk about the wedding & changes the subject when I bring it up or says we’ll talk about it later.I asked him if he is getting cold feet and he says definitely not. He still acts like he is madly in love with me. What is going on with him?

A: Your boyfriend may be so happy with things as they are that he is anxious about making the change that a wedding creates. This romance is intoxicating to you both. He may wonder whether you two can make the transition to everyday married life. It is certainly going to be different when you two are dealing with day-to-day issues like who cleans the bathroom, who does the laundry, and how money is used intruding on your idyll. I don’t wonder that he wants to hold onto what is.

I think it might help if you stopped talking about a wedding and started talking about each other’s expectations for marriage. You are both in your 50s and are undoubtedly somewhat set in your ways. Neither of you has experience with the compromises that come with married life. Believe me. There are lots and lots of compromises.

Talking about a future life together is a way that couples learn more about each other and start making those compromises. Even something as ordinary as talking about what kind of couch you want for your home can highlight differences and create a way to talk about how decisions will be made. Once both of you feel secure that your romance will survive the transition to marriage, my guess is that wedding planning will happen quite naturally.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Nov 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Fiance Refuses Wedding Talk. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/11/23/fiance-refuses-wedding-talk/