My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. When we met, I knew that he would occasionally smoke weed with friends but did not think it would be an issue. When we went to college, there were many times when I would say I was uncomfortable with him smoking and would ask him to stop. He promised he would stop and then I found out he lied and had been smoking. When I caught him he said he was sorry and wouldn’t do it again. I then caught him again and he basically said to deal with it. He recently decided to stop smoking because we are so serious and has been clean (drug tests) but I just found out that he did acid with a friend when I told him previously that I was absolutely not okay with him doing anything else. I just don’t understand why he keeps doing these things or why he lies. He says he is sorry but I can’t trust him anymore. I don’t know what to do since I have been with him so long and love him so much that I don’t want to break up with him. What should I do? I have so much resentment now because I don’t see how he could keep betraying me.
A: I’m very sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but you do need to get out of this relationship. It’s not going to get better. Your boyfriend’s relationship with drugs is more important to him than his relationship with you. Please notice that he is more willing to risk your relationship than to break up with his habits.
I don’t know why this is so. It doesn’t matter. You and I don’t have to understand it. He does. Then he has to find the motivation to truly change. I don’t think it’s likely from what you said in your letter.
Length of time in a relationship is not a good reason to stay with it when there is no trust. You are only 19. You have lots and lots of time to date other men and to find someone whose primary interest and concern is with you and your relationship. You deserve to find a man who you can absolutely trust. Don’t settle for anything less.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Nov 2012
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Boyfriend Lying about Drug Abuse. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 8, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/11/16/boyfriend-lying-about-drug-abuse/