Trust Issues Are Ruining Relationship

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have struggled with trust issues my whole life. It has lead me to be emotionally unfaithful, I question everything, and invade his privacy when he has given me no reason to believe he would stray. When I was caught with a profile on a dating site I had resolved to never lie again. I have yet to be unfaithful again, but I hold so many insecurities that I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to be with someone else.

I recently answered a text message on his phone from a co-worker whom he had been spending a lot of time with helping her with rides to work, apartment hunting etc. I had brought myself to trust the relationship they had until I saw her text him at 8am to say good morning. I almost instinctually replied as though I were him. I was very shaky, felt ill, and felt almost oblivious to everything else around me.She had said she missed him more than ever, so I asked her to call me. When she called I asked her why she would say those things and she assured me nothing was going on.

I believe that he is not being unfaithful but my actions are hurtful and I don’t know that I could stop myself from doing that again. This isn’t the first time my suspicions were proven wrong. I constantly feel like I am not good enough, always feel second best, and am not confidant he can be happy with me. He is tired of the lack of trust and is ready to leave over it.

Not only that but because I hold so many fears and insecurities I can’t seem to praise him or see positives, all I can focus on are negatives and he feels this is an underlying displeasure with him. He recently told me he had not yet been able to forgive my infidelity and feels very little has changed in me. He has said he is unsure whether he wants to continue in the relationship. He believes I am sabotaging the relationship in order to find a reason to leave. I want to fix this, I just don’t know how to stop my behaviors, the worse he feels about us the worse I behave. Why?

A; You’ve already told us both why. You are terribly, terribly insecure. Stalking your fiance isn’t going to help because the problem isn’t in him. It’s in you. Criticizing him in order to bring him down to your level isn’t doing anything for your relationship, either. You are fortunate indeed that he hasn’t given up yet. He must love you a lot.

If you want to fix this, you are going to have to do more than think about it. If you could have solved the problem on your own, you would have done so long ago. To stop the behaviors and the feelings behind them, you need to see a counselor. Therapy will help you get to the bottom of your insecurities and your feelings of unworthiness and will help you learn more productive ways to manage them. I hope you get going with some therapy right away. I don’t see how your relationship can withstand much more of this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Oct 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Trust Issues Are Ruining Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 31, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/10/18/trust-issues-are-ruining-relationship/