Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a gay male who had my ex-boyfriend cheat on me a few years ago. I recently started dating a new guy about a year ago and initially I had issues with trust and I knew it was because of the cheating by the ex. I eventually got over that and we got along good for a while. However, as time went on, I got more and more insecure with him and jealous of everything he is doing with his friends etc. All I think about is how he is texting guys (and will sometimes lie about who he is texting) and he locks his computer and phone and everything so I can’t even use them. So I instantly assume he is hiding something. I tried to talk to him about this stuff, but he still says he isn’t hiding anything and isn’t doing anything bad. He also says I always interrogate him because I’m a cop.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My insecurity and suspicion is getting the best of me and the relationship and is making both of us miserable. How do I stop acting so insecure with everything in my life? I am insecure in all aspects of my life not just with him. Please help.

A: At this point I think you have a good handle on the behaviors that serve to activate your concern. I am encouraging you to do two things. First, I would make an appointment with a cognitive-behavioral therapist to help you with reframing your thoughts and reactions. It makes sense that you are being triggered by some of your boyfriend’s behaviors, but there is difficulty when you over-interpret. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you sort this through. Second, I would encourage you to make a couples therapy appointment for you and your boyfriend so that he is able to understand more of what he can do to help. You can get referrals in your area by clicking on the find help tab at the top of the page.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Oct 2012

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/10/16/insecurity-and-jealousy-with-boyfriend/