Upset with Boyfriend
My boyfriend’s best friend had a girlfriend, who cheated on him and vice versa. They broke up. My boyfriend kept in touch with this girl seeing how they were still friends. My boyfriend’s best friend read flirty text messages that they had sent to each other. They are no longer friends. My boyfriend broke down and told me what happened about the whole texting thing. It seemed minor so I brushed it off. Turns out she started dating another guy, but told my boyfriend she had feelings for him and liked him. My boyfriend told her that they were just friends. Now recently my boyfriend told me he needed alone time. So I was understanding and said it was ok. He said he needed a week. Turns out that this girl drove 2 hours to pick him up, and took him back to her place for a week. Keep in mind she to have a boyfriend. He told me they just hung out, her and her roommate and boyfriend. About a week later he told me he was going cross-country. He said he only knew one of the guys going. Well he lied. It was Her, who invited him and told him she would pay all his expenses. I found out through her twitter account. When I asked him he swore he hadn’t done anything with her. He became defensive and got mad at me and was asking how I found out. He said he didn’t tell me cause he knew I’d get upset. He also said I didn’t need an apology cause he hadn’t done anything wrong. I’m upset that he was dishonest and lied to me. Any advice on what I should do?
A: Your experience sounds particularly upsetting because it seems to have happened little by little. Yet the situation you are in now appears to be a done deal. Your boyfriend is simply trying to have it both ways. He was willing to lose his best friend over this girl and he is now willing to lose you. His lying and unwillingness to even apologize is an arrogant stance that doesn’t bode well for a long-term relationship. A boyfriend who lies, deceives and betrays you then tells you that nothing happened isn’t much of a boyfriend. I wouldn’t invest much more time. Someone who does something he knows will upset you, lies about it, then tells you he didn’t want to upset you is very likely to keep hurting you. It is time to move on.
About Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPPDaniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP is a graduate of the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania and works as Martin Seligman's assistant instructor there. He is a licensed psychologist specializing in group psychotherapy and psychodrama and is the author of the highly acclaimed Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir. Visit www.formerchild.com for more information. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Upset with Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 2, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/10/10/upset-with-boyfriend/