Boyfriend is Excessively Insecure

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend since the very beginning of this year. It’s just the past few weeks/few months that we have been arguing at least once or twice a week. But the problem is, I am going to be completely honest with you as there is no point wasting your time. All of the arguments were started by him. The first one we had was due to someone outside our relationship accusing me of being something I am not. And he phoned me up as if he had all the facts to go against me and tried to manipulate me with his questions.. you know when someone tries to put words in your mouth. I was fuming at that point and I yelled the roof down and he backed down like a puppy, and we made up the same night.. ( I felt so weak by then to carry on.) Then the week afterwards I came back from holiday, and with work and social activities I am very busy. Yet I still spoke to him everyday via text and email. But when I phoned him he accused me of not being grateful of the gifts he bought me in the past and whilst on holiday, and also that I put him last due to not phoning him, and that I didn’t care. Again I couldn’t believe he said all this due to me not phoning him 3 days after getting back from holiday.. I told him I couldn’t continue this any longer or put up with what he says. He was groveling saying he only does it because he loves me so much.. I felt he understood.. I was clearly still mad on the phone, and he asked me to be happy and ” not awkward ” with him the next day. So I did. Then within a couple days afterward, I was on the phone to him for at least 2 hours, and I was talking to a friend of mine.. I was on cam. He asked me to move my ring to my wedding ring and to pretend I was married, and he was getting annoyed because the friend was complimenting me ( I didn’t encourage the friend, I hardly know the person to accuse him). Then all of a sudden my boyfriend asked me if I would show ”myself” on cam. I told him in the past I have done this, and it was a phase with an old boyfriend that I believed was a good idea at the time. ( Only teasing.. not any funny business with clothes off ). And he switched on me, saying how I clearly don’t love him ” as much ” as my ex. And how I don’t care about him clearly. So I couldn’t take it anymore and I hung up. I couldn’t believe the whole time he was saying he wanted to ” see my tan ” he just wanted to see my breasts!!.. Then he phoned for about an hour straight and I picked up, and he said it’s due to the love he has for me and he doesn’t understand why he acts the way he does. I was mad, he insulted me saying ” I don’t care what disgusting things you’ve done” and asked me why I told him what I did in the past. After, he asked me if I was still mad.. I said ” Yes just as any other person would be in my position, insulted by someone you love, and expect me to be happy and let it bounce off me? ” He said he understood but expected me to be happy with him when he texts the next morning! I was so tired at this point from lack of sleep, I just agreed and put on a straight face. But even reading what I have read to you now, I can imagine what I would think reading this. But I am calling out to people on this site if they could offer advice? any personal experience? anything I can say. I just know when I speak to him on the phone he is worming his way back in. I would never put up with this in the past, but I did genuinely fall head over heels for this man. And I have never felt what I have for any other person in the past, so there’s that voice asking me to not let go of something I’ve never had before, and may never get again.. any help is really appreciated.. I just feel as if I have two voices in my head, follow my head or hope with my heart.

A: This must be very disappointing. You fell for a guy in a big way and now there are all these problems! I don’t think you are getting anywhere trying to answer all his concerns and complaints. The larger issue is that you’re involved with a very insecure guy. My guess is that other women have left him because of this behavior.

You can’t fix this. He has to fix himself. You haven’t given him any reason to be jealous and controlling. His personal insecurities are driving him crazy and driving you away. You could try to talk to him about it. If he’s willing to work on it – and really does – then he may be worth hanging around for. But if he keeps making it your problem, then the relationship probably won’t work out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 3 Oct 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Boyfriend is Excessively Insecure. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/10/03/boyfriend-is-excessively-insecure/