Paranoid Boyfriend

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for four months. This is the strangest relationship I have ever been in. He is super paranoid and carries a pistol everywhere because he has to be on alert in case something goes down. He doesn’t do drugs nor does he drink. He claims to be shy. He said he was from a satanic family and his father did terrible things to him and siblings. He’s told me some and they were awful. He says he’s a nobody. He works then goes strait home and sleeps in total darkness all the time. Scared to go out in public. Refuses to talk on phone. Doesn’t like to text much. Just the basics. Doesn’t like company. I am not aloud to spend the night. We’ve never had intercourse and he never fondles my in private area but he does touch and caress boobs and he’s very passionate. He td me he has a fetish of likening blowjobs and I love giving them to him. But that’s all he’ll do! He takes everything I say as if I was fussing at him. I only try to talk to him; he takes it the wrong way. He has no vehicle nor does his brother. They are 40 and 41. Their apt is beyond nasty. I e offered to clean but was told no. Any time I offer to help in anyway I am told no. What’s going on here? I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Please help.

A. The work here isn’t on what to do with your boyfriend, but to ask a deeper, perhaps more fundamental question: What do you get out of the relationship? Here is what you have listed:

  • He carries a gun everywhere
  • He is paranoid
  • He has severe family pathology
  • He is afraid to go out in public
  • He will not talk on the phone
  • He does not consider your sexual needs
  • He does not allow you to stay
  • He doesn’t want company
  • He doesn’t clean his home
  • He misinterprets your desire to help

    The question is: What do you love and why? Rather than see him as someone who will change, ask yourself if you would stay with him if he remains exactly as he is. You did not mention anything about him changing, wanting to change, or being willing to change, so can you tolerate the status quo? I would encourage you to explore this with a therapist who can help you shed some light on your situation.

    Wishing you patience and peace,
    Dr. Dan
    Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Sep 2012

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Paranoid Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/09/13/paranoid-boyfriend/