My Wife Wants Forced Sex from Me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife experienced a sexual assault from a husband of a girlfriend when she was 19. She is 28 now. Alcohol was involved. She never reported it or told anyone until myself after marriage. She seems to be have moved on with her life but has told me that she thinks or feels that she wants me to force/rape her at some point to feel better or “erase” the nightmare of it. She may need therapy for closure, but I have contemplated doing this for her to help. However, I need to know why she needs, wants, or believes in this?

A: This is more common than you might think. Sometimes women who have been abused think that replaying the scene and making it come out differently, will give them some mastery over what happened. Maybe. But please be cautious. It might also retraumatize her. Another negative result could be that she will associate you with her abuse and abuser.

I strongly urge the two of you to go to therapy. She needs help getting closure on an event that still haunts her. You need to be there in order to support her. With a therapist’s help, you two can figure out how you can best help her through.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Aug 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). My Wife Wants Forced Sex from Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/08/24/my-wife-wants-forced-sex-from-me/