Husband’s Partying is Ruining Relationship

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband goes out (bars, clubs) with friends or co-workers at least once a week. He plays sport 3 times/ week. Both in the evening. Usually he comes home around 11pm after sport, 1am after bars/clubs but lately 2 am and now 4am after bars/clubs.

We have a 7 month old baby. I stay at home with our baby when he goes out.

We had some fights about his going out time. Before, he went out with friends 3 times/ week and I told him I need him to spend time with us (me and our baby) more. Now he goes out once a week, that’s fine. But the latest time, he left at 7pm and came back home at 4am. Drunk and went straight to bed. I was so upset and couldn’t sleep that whole night. I did check his msgs on the mobile (1st time) and found a msg he sent to a female friend: she asked him “Where are you guys?”, he replied “Waiting for taxi”, then she asked “No, I demand more”, he said “We are naked, shall we dress?”. AND THEN, I was really angry.

I was angry because I stayed at home with the baby and waited for him, when he went out for nearly 10 hours drank and flirted around with female friends.

I was very upset and angry, I showed it to him. I did raise my voice and yell at him.

Am I too jealous and I over acted?

A: Your husband needs to grow up. This is worth fighting over. Not only did you not overreact–I would say your behavior was subdued. Perhaps there is more of a cultural allowance in your country for his behavior, but in straight psychological terms with regard to relationship and family, his behavior is at best immature and at worst irresponsible.

I would highly recommend couples therapy sooner rather than later. This sort of thing rarely gets better on its own. Second, I would make sure that you have at least one night where you go out and he has responsibility for your infant. This is important. Even if you just go to the library the idea is that you need to have some time for whatever you want to do, and he needs to learn how to become a parent. Finally, I would plan for time for the two of you to be together and for the three of you to be a family. Time alone for couples is essential and time shared as a family is precious.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 17 Aug 2012

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Husband’s Partying is Ruining Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 26, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/08/17/husbands-partying-is-ruining-relationship/