I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly eight months now. In the beginning of the relationship his ex was still calling and texting him. Originally, I found out b/c she showed up at his door drunk and upset about a mutual friend’s death and somehow was able to get in and stay all weekend. I wanted to understand but when he told me she was still there, I was furious. He chose her over me. I feel if it weren’t a friend’s death, it would’ve been something else. After discussing the situation, I decided to put it in the past b/c I feel he is worth loving. In the meantime, she continued calling and texting, which made it very hard for me to forget she existed. I decided to text her myself to let her know that I knew she was interfering and I didn’t appreciate it. After that she stopped all communication but I had become obsessed with the weekend she stayed while we were dating, wondering if they were intimate. I confronted him and asked him directly if he had done anything sexual with her and he said no. I have already decided that no matter what I think happened, I would like to move forward and have a healthy relationship with him. The only problem is I have huge trust issues that stem from childhood trauma. Which means I have trouble trusting even my family. I know it’s psychological and it’s a problem but I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel I have turned into this monster that constantly looks through his phone. I hate myself for it and I just want to feel better. I need advice on how to move forward and stay positive. HELP!
A: I am going to recommend a book that I think will help you cope with this style of thinking The Resilience Factor will help you learn how to challenge your thoughts. This book will show you the A-B-C model of dealing with the Activating event, your Beliefs and your Consequences by challenging your beliefs. You may also want to see this psychcentral video about cheating.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Aug 2012
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Trust Issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 11, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/08/04/trust-issues-4/