Two-Month-Old Marriage is Failing

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m writing in desperate need as a last resort before divorce. My husband and I were married two months from yesterday, however, our short marriage has been anything but a fairy tale. It’s like he’s two totally different people. One minute he’s really sweet to me and the next he does and says unthinkable things to me. I don’t profess to be anywhere close to perfect, however, I don’t deserve his treatment. Here are some examples:

He’s told me a lot that I am lazy and fat and puts me down a lot.

About a month ago, I thought I might be pregnant so I told him. He punched me in the stomach and said that he wasn’t having a baby and that if I did, he would always be angry about it because it would ruin his life. Luckily, I wasn’t pregnant.

One Saturday, we were out shopping and he got mad about me not wanting to do something he wanted to do and told me he’d cheated on me. He later said he didn’t cheat on me, however, he frequently tells me about all the girls who are attracted to him at work.) He also said he hoped every day that I would die on my way home from or way to work so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. He told me he wanted a divorce but then the next day he acted like nothing had happened. Sometimes when I ask him why he said or did something to me, he’ll say he didn’t know and other times he’ll act like he didn’t do or say what I’m asking about.

Last night we had a terrible fight and he told me I’m just like my family and it’s not in my DNA to be successful. I’m always going to be JUST a legal assistant. He yelled profanity at me and told me again he wants a divorce. This morning he came into where I slept (we frequently don’t sleep together) and kissed me and told me he loves me.

He likes for me to go with him to see his family, however, he never wants to go with me to see mine.

One day he got so mad that he pushed me and another time he threw my purse across the room so hard that it broke the case my glasses were in.

He never wants to have sex with me anymore and says he’s not attracted to me anymore.

He gives me one answer and then a few days later he’ll give me a completely different answer and act like I’m crazy for believing the first answer he gave or that he never even gave the first answer.

He usually gets mad when I ask him to clean up after himself, however, I work full-time just like he does and I refuse to be his mother or maid.

He’s very self-centered (always tells me how good-looking he is and flexes in front of the mirror a lot) and considers HIS money HIS (He’s always wanted to have separate accounts for our money.) He expects me to pay him every penny I “owe” him for my part of our rent and bills or if I have to borrow money from him, however, if he owes me money, he gets mad when I ask him for it. He has even told me I am sad and deserve nothing and he was embarrassed for me.

He tells me how much smarter and better he is than me.

He drinks beer every day and sometimes even before I wake up in the morning on the weekends. He’s also addicted to tobacco which I can’t stand. I don’t know if the alcohol makes him act the way he does sometimes or not.

I want to stay with him, but I just don’t feel like it’s ever going to get any better. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to go to therapy with me, however, he isn’t willing. Do you have any idea why he might act the way he does? Do you believe we have a chance?

A: I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think you have a prayer of saving this marriage without sacrificing yourself. I don’t know why your husband is this way. Frankly, I don’t care. What I care about is that you are being treated so badly. This guy doesn’t want a partner, he wants someone he can subjugate and control. Don’t believe the apologies. Don’t believe the times he is sweet. He is manipulating you and gradually taking away your self-respect. The time he punched you when you thought you were pregnant should have been the last straw for you.

Get out. Get out now. Check out this website for information about where help is available near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Photo

 

 

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Jul 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Two-Month-Old Marriage is Failing. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/07/31/two-month-old-marriage-is-failing/