Psych Central

Boyfriend Neglects Me for Others

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 24 my boyfriend 23, we’ve been together for 5 years,since high school. So let me begin, when we hang out it can’t just be the two of us, one or two of his friends always have to be around. When we decide to go out, my suggestions are not of interest to him, but if someone else suggest the same thing he’s all for it (believe me it’s happened and was pointed out to him by his own friends). We both are bartenders and work at the same place, he’s all for helping others with there work when they ask, and when I ask for help he tells me no and that I should already know how to do my job (I’ve been there less than everyone else, mind you). He hasn’t hung out with me and my family for almost a year, I’m always going to family functions by myself.

He had a collapse lung about a year and a half ago and had to stay in the hospital for a over a week, I was there morning and night every single damn day! I get pneumonia didn’t want to get near me, no soup no medicine, nothing. He’s get sick i go buy him all sorts of stuff to make him feel comfortable. This past time I got sick i had a stomach virus couldn’t leave the bathroom…. he did nothing no medicine, no soup, no comfort whatsoever! Instead HE goes out of town with his MOTHER and brother to go out to eat, and drink at a bar! Then since they went to the bar couldn’t come home they decide to stay the night. On top of that all of them are there while leaving my car blocked in the drive way, and leaving me nowhere to go. Not being able to get food or medicine to help me feel a little bit better. We live with his parents, so i decide to drive through the yard slowly and carefully, his mom flips out when they get back and asks me how i got my car out. I told her how i did it, she flipped out. We argued she’s yelling at me, he does nothing some kinda blames me! During all that time i was still sick with the virus.

I don’t know what do to…I’ve talked to him about it he said i’m insecure and selfish. I don’t think I am being any of those. I really do not know, I love him, he says he loves me…. I don’t think we love each other the same. Makes me sad need some kind of advice/guidance/etc. I am just tired of feeling like i am at the bottom, and if i am or its all in my head…

A: You’re probably not selfish. It’s more likely that you are right that you two don’t love each other in the same way. You’ve been together since high school and you moved into his parents’ house. It sounds like you kind of slipped into becoming part of his family rather than making a “family” of your own – just the two of you. Yes, it’s kind of comfortable. You’re treated like one of the fam. You’ve become such a habit that even his mother hasn’t been able to tell you she really wants you gone out of her house. She just acts it out. Your boyfriend doesn’t even treat you like a friend. You may live together but you don’t have a marriage. It’s not even a romance at this point.

I think you should either return to your own folks’ house or, better yet for someone who is 24 and has a job, get a place of your own. By all means, find a different job too. Find out what it is like to be an independent adult. Get to know some other men. The boy you chose as a teen may not have become the kind of man you want to partner with for life. You certainly want someone who shows care and caring in equal measure to what you give.

Yes, I know. It’s hard to give up on someone in whom you’ve invested so much love and time. But I think you already know that you deserve better. Actually, so does he. Find a way to separate with kindness. Wish each other the best. I hope you each find someone you can be so passionately in love with that you see stars.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Jun 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Boyfriend Neglects Me for Others. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/06/22/boyfriend-neglects-me-for-others/

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