Boyfriend Lacks Sex Drive

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 years. He is 32. From the start of our relationship, you could tell that he didn’t have a sex drive. But after a while, I noticed that he wasn’t the initiator for making love. If we were to make love, I had to initiate or we wouldn’t have sex at all. There was one point we went 3 months without having sex because he wasn’t initiating and I was pissed off that I always had to initiate, so I stopped. Let me add, I’m not the most sex driven person either…I could go a week or two, but I am not used to being the one to initiate sexual contact and I also am not used to being turned down. This is a 1st for me, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m used to the guys that are up your butt and the girl has to turn them down. I feel like I am the guy. Its come to the point that it is ruining our relationship and anything that is a little problem, turns into a bigger thing because the sex problem is taking precedence over everything else. I did find out however, that he has been like this for a long time. He is on Effexor, and I know that also decreases your sex drive, but even before the Effexor…he told me that he had a low sex drive.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship because our relationship is great otherwise. I just need some help in figuring out what I can do to cope with this and how I can handle not getting so upset about it when he isn’t in the mood. I know he isn’t cheating or anything. The only thing I can think of is maybe a low testosterone level, but I’m so afraid of bringing anything up because its always in a negative light and I’m sure being negative is not the best way to approach it.

A: Some couples I have worked with have found that setting aside one evening a week for romantic and sexual activities can help take the guesswork out of the encounter. While this reduces the spontaneity it increases the regularity. You may want to experiment with this approach.

My experience has been that it is much better for couples to switch to alternate means of gratification other than intercourse. This doesn’t take away the problem of initiation, but it does shift an aspect of pleasuring each other sexually that may allow greater frequency. Along these lines, this gives you an opportunity to educate your boyfriend about your needs, while alternately giving him an opportunity to please you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Jun 2012

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2012). Boyfriend Lacks Sex Drive. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/06/04/boyfriend-lacks-sex-drive/