Afraid to Ask Therapist What’s Wrong with Me
I’m not sure what is wrong with me, and I’m too scared to ask my therapist. I need a bit of help. No matter how hard I’ve looked, I can’t find anyone who has the same sort of issues as me. Last year I sort of split my personality into two parts, one for the ‘good’ me, and one for the ‘bad’ me. I feel like the ‘bad’ me is a completely separate person from myself. The ‘good’ me has depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. The ‘bad’ me, has issues with stealing, setting fires, pedophilia, sadism, homicidal ideation and pathological lying. The ‘bad’ me (I’ve self diagnosed) has Schizoid and Antisocial personality disorders. Sometimes I can’t tell who is the ‘good’ me and the ‘bad’ me, I get so confused.
After reading about the Columbine massacre, I have been completely obsessed with mass murders, and all I think about is killing people. Strangers on the bus, the kids at school, my own family. And while I am the ‘bad’ me, everything I am thinking seems perfectly rational and normal to me. It’s only after, when I am the ‘good’ me again that I realize how messed up that all is. I dropped out of school because I had adrenaline rushes all the time from thinking about shooting up the place. I stopped hanging out with friends. I’ve done barely anything since the summer of last year, all I do is sit around at home worrying about losing it.
Nothing feels real anymore, and everything I say feels like I’m talking about someone else. Sometimes I go back to the ‘good’ me and find that I’ve been planning a murder, and wonder how I could have thought that was alright. My ‘bad’ self even planned a school shooting, and the only reason my ‘bad’ self didn’t do it was because I don’t have access to a gun. I’m scared and I want to know what is wrong with me! Help!
A: I am very, very glad you contacted us. You wrote a very clear letter that explains your feelings well. You have far too much going on inside for a 15-year-old to deal with alone.
Many, many people write letters to us here at PsychCentral as a kind of rehearsal for what they wish they could say to their therapist or someone else. It’s a good use of this website. Sometimes writing can help a person organize their thoughts and pour out the feelings that are so difficult to express to someone in person.
Having done the rehearsal, it’s time to do the real thing. Please — take your letter to your therapist and share it. I assure you, most experienced therapists have seen some version of what you are describing and can handle it. If your therapist is young and inexperienced, she or he will get a consultation or will refer you to someone who can offer help. But neither scenario can happen if you don’t share your thoughts and feelings. We therapists only have what our clients tell us (and our observations in session) to go on. We can’t do our job without your help. It’s like one hand trying to clap.
You made an important start toward your own healing by writing your letter. Now please take the next step and show it to the therapist who wants to help you.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Afraid to Ask Therapist What’s Wrong with Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 30, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/05/21/afraid-to-ask-therapist-whats-wrong-with-me/