Boyfriend Doesn’t Trust Me

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I have been with a boy for about 3 years. During this time we have broken up and got back together many times. He is very jealous and suspicious and gets upset very easily.A few months ago he found out that I had been keeping in touch with some of my ex boyfriends (He read my message archive) and acused me of cheating on him. I kept in touch with them because we remained friends after the break-ups and didn’t tell my bf about it because he would have overreacted. And he did. We broke-up for a few weeks , during which we continued talking every day and trying to fix the situation. We talked on the phone with those friends and he said that he understood that there was nothing going on between me and any of them and that he will forgive me for lying to him. We got back together and decided that I would be as transparent as possible and that he would be more understanding. After a month , he woke up one morning and asked me when was the last time that I had met with one of those boyfriends. As I had just woken up, I didn’t remember exactly and took some time to remember (about 1 minute) . And then I told him. He took this hesitation as a sign that I was lying again and we had a fight. After that we broke up and he didn’t want to see me or speak to me again. After a while we spoke and he said that he can’t trust me any more and that there is a great possibility that I had cheated on him and that those friends with which we had spoken were lying to protect me. I tried to convince him that that’s not true and that I am really sorry for lying and that it will never happen again. It didn’t work. We didn’t speak for a few days and today he came and brought me my things and told me that he hates me and that he doesn’t care what happens to me from now on and that I don’t deserve anything from him and not to bother him ever again. I understand where I was wrong and I really want to change and be honest from now on. And I want to work on this until it becomes natural. Until I don’t have to ask myself if I should tell the truth or not. Please help with some advice. What can I do? What is with this sudden hatred towards me?

A: My guess is that your boyfriend has to stir up some hatred in order to make the break. The two of you developed a pattern that is terribly destructive to a relationship. I don’t know how it started. He’s jealous. You lie to avoid a fight. He finds out and there’s a bigger fight. Or is it that you aren’t totally honest? He senses it and gets jealous. You mollify him. He’s not satisified. And there’s another fight. Either way, you two don’t have the kind of trust and comfort with each other’s honesty that is necessary for a relationship to grow. Now you have to ask yourself whether to tell him the truth — which is the strongest indicator that this relationship is going nowhere.

Stop focusing on why he “hates” you. Instead, please ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship where you have to be so careful lest you set him off. Why would you want to be in a relationship that doesn’t let you be your best and honest self? I suggest you take your own behavior more seiously. There is a good reason that you two have broken it off so many times. Perhaps you are trying to tell yourselves that instead of going around and around, you need to get out.

I wish you well.
Dr Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Apr 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Boyfriend Doesn’t Trust Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/27/boyfriend-doesnt-trust-me/