My fiancee and I have fights ever other day, or even every day. He goes from totally happy to hating the world for sometimes no reason. Everytime I confront him of our issues, he quickly makes an excuse saying that he had some physical pain or was vomiting. I have never seen him vomit and I am always around him (he says he vomits (like every day)). He always puts words in my mouth (saying I should be with friends, or go to sleep when I am obviously not tired, and if I do go to bed, he texts me and tells me not to worry about him), and even always tells him to let him go. Sometimes I find him curled up in the corner of a room, and he even does this at night. I think it’s for attention. He always tells me I should leave him I am not happy anymore, when that is not the case. I just don’t understand and he won’t see someone about this. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I do not want to leave him.
Today he told me to leave him, because I would be more “happy”. He wouldn’t talk to me. He gave me my stuff back and wrote an irrational message to me. Now he states “I was in a s*** ton of pain this morning and REALLY disoriented”… this happens A LOT. WHAT DO I DO? (His sister has bipolar disorder).
A: I’m sure there must be a very sweet side to your fiance or you wouldn’t be engaged. But he is in no shape to be a married man. From what you say, he’s in serious denial that there is something fundamentally wrong with his ability to manage the world – and to be a partner. He is fortunate, indeed, that you like him better than he likes himself. But unless he takes hold of his issues, he is not going to be able to become the man he could be. He is in pain and he is scared. But for some reason he isn’t scared enough to go get an evaluation and treatment.
I do suggest that you take a big step back. A couple who fights every day is unlikely to have a good marriage. Encourage your guy to first get a thorough medical exam. There are medical conditions that could explain his feelings and behaviors. If he gets a clean bill of health, then he really should see a mental health provider for an assessment. He needn’t suffer like this. It’s unfair to ask you to suffer needlessly with him. If he continues to refuse to help himself, you may need to rethink whether a life with him is what you really want.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 18 Apr 2012
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Boyfriend’s Mood Swings Confusing. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 11, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/18/boyfriends-mood-swings-confusing/