Girlfriend’s Sexual Past Concerns Him

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My girlfriend of 3-1/2 months has been widowed for 7 years. She tells me she’s only had sex with 5 men in her life. Her behavior with me was very aggressive and she has said things wil cause me to suspect there may have been many more than that since she was widowed. Should that concern me?

A: Since you are in your 50s, I’m guessing your girlfriend is also a mature adult. It doesn’t seem to me that the number of men she’s been with is the issue. Of more concern is that you question whether she is being honest with you and you aren’t comfortable with what you term her “aggression.”

At only three and one-half months, your relationship is still very new. You are each still learning about each other’s values and histories, including your sexual pasts. This is a time of mutual exploration, discovery, and trust-building. Intimacy isn’t only about sex. It’s also about how much you share and when. If you’re not talking about your concerns, you really should be. That’s how trust is built.

Getting comfortable with each other’s bodies and sexuality is also an important part of early romance. As mature adults, you each have quite a bit of experience to bring to this relationship. You may each be used to having sex in ways that aren’t familiar to the other. It’s important not to come to conclusions about what those differences mean without talking it out. I think you should be focusing on learning how to communicate with each other and how to please each other – both in and out of bed.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Apr 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Girlfriend’s Sexual Past Concerns Him. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/10/girlfriends-sexual-past-concerns-him/