Plagued by Homicidal Thoughts
I was very sadistically abused as a child. Since then I have dealt with homelessness and my mother’s drug addiction. I finally stopped having any contact with my mother this year.
As a young woman I relied on drugs and alcohol to numb myself to abuse. I started drinking when I was twelve. I used violence so people would be to scared to mess with me on the street.
I have moved out of state and finally have a place to live but I don’t feel anything. I’ve seen people foam at the mouth in a pool of their own blood and I didn’t feel anything. I used to beat small animals to death and set them on fire and I enjoyed it.
I also am easily bored and don’t find most things interesting this makes it hard for me to accomplish some things because I simply don’t care. I am also plagued by homicidal fantasies and thoughts of revenge. I was just wondering why I have trouble feeling anything towards others. I also want to know why I am always thinking about raping, torturing, and killing people.
A: Please, please finally get the therapy you need to get past all that has happened to you. The answer to your question is in your first sentence. You were terribly abused. Your mother didn’t protect you or help you. You separated yourself from your feelings in order to survive it. You don’t ever want to be vulnerable to abuse again. Like many people who are badly hurt by another person, you have gone 180 degrees in order to feel powerful and invulnerable.
Therapy will help you bring things back into balance. You can be powerful without being a potential abuser. You can have feelings without becoming a victim. I realize that you may have trouble believing that. But please trust me. Your response to abuse is not bizarre or unusual. A therapist who is experienced in helping people who have been traumatized will be able to help you.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Plagued by Homicidal Thoughts. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 19, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/03/06/plagued-by-homicidal-thoughts/