Relationship, Cheating, and Depression
My fiancée and I have been together for three years now and we have had the most amazing time together. However recently I have found out that he has been sleeping with prostitutes regularly, he also slept with one of my friends and another woman prior to those incidents. I know he is not telling me the entire truth as I have found a lot of things he has hidden like text messages and women’s clothing in our house. I am so distraught, he is the most sweetest man I have ever met (or at least I thought he was) I thought he would never do anything like this. It has left me feeling so depressed I have often thoughts of ending my life, I’m messing up at work, I have found it hard to concentrate in conversations, I have seen the doctor but it just hasn’t helped in any way he has broken my heart and I can’t bare to leave. Everyone keeps telling me I’m stupid to stay I just don’t know what is keeping me there. His temper is a joke; I constantly feel like I’m walking on egg shells incase I say something wrong that will annoy him. He has never hit me. Maybe grab me and push me but that is as far as it has gone… I feel like I have no friends, my family don’t care and I feel lost! I don’t see the point of waking up in the morning the only reason I do is for work and on my days off I can’t have a lie in otherwise I’m lazy according to him and I feel guilty. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up! I have to sleep in our bed. The one he slept with these women in and it is constantly going around my mind and I get angry and flip out bringing up the past. I often get given ultimatums by him saying that if I don’t forget about it then we can brake up and he often teases ne with what he has done by going into detail when he is annoyed please please help me I’m so lost.
A: To love someone so deeply and to have them betray you in this way is, indeed, one of the deepest hurts for us. This trauma of betrayal leaves us scrabbling for more assurance that things will be all right, but our psyche knows that something fundamental has changed that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with directly. Hoping the situation will get better on its own will not work.
You boyfriend’s issues are significant and you wishing they were otherwise will keep you feeling miserable. Your needs and feelings are not part of what he can comprehend or cope with. Again you wishing it were otherwise doesn’t make it so, but rather puts you a position of having to forgive someone you can’t trust and are afraid of: not a good place to be.
If you are not in therapy I recommend you begin. If you are in individual therapy I recommend you ask your therapist about joining a group. You need to first create a vehicle of support for yourself so you’re not so emotionally dependent on him.
Start creating a support network for yourself right now. Once this is in place you can decide how you want to deal with this situation.
About Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPPDaniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP is a graduate of the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania and works as Martin Seligman's assistant instructor there. He is a licensed psychologist specializing in group psychotherapy and psychodrama and is the author of the highly acclaimed Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir. Visit www.formerchild.com for more information. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
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Tomasulo, D. (2012). Relationship, Cheating, and Depression. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 4, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/02/26/relationship-cheating-and-depression/