Psych Central

Will Abusive Husband Change?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ive been with my partner for 2 and a half years and we already have 2 children together as well as children to previous partners. When i met him he was a gentle, fun, positive and quietly spoken man. After about a year he began to call me names, put me down and he become impossible to approach about anything, he’d see my face and tell me that i sickened him and he just wants to punch me. He tells me that the best thing that could ever happen to him would be for me to disappear. He throws me around leaving me with bruises over my body and slaps me around, hes punched me a couple of times and once being in the back of the head. He has moments where he is regretful about his words and actions, well he use to, these days he tends to justify everything with an excuse or 2. He doesnt understand that when he runs me down all day long, and hits me that it actually hurts me and the result is tears, but when i do cry he mocks me and makes sounds of me sobbing whilst calling me a little girl, or sometimes even an animal. When he snaps out of it he sometimes apoligises telling me he hates the way he is, that he does love me and that im the best thing hes ever had, but when he slips into his mode again he takes it all back, I dont know weather im arthur or martha,im so lost in this worlds of abuse, i want him to get help, do you think he’ll ever change? towards me or anyone else? I really need help, im sick of living in a closed up room for days on end, being afraid to come out to be abused, im sick of hearing myself cry or telling my sad pitiful story to my family. I dont know how to leave, I do really love him, i know that if i go ill only come back. What ive explained here is not even the half of it!

A: There is no point in staying with someone like this. He will only change if he voluntarily goes to counseling because he wants to, not because you are asking him to.

You’re right. You need serious help. You are in a very, very dangerous situation. At some point he may well lose his temper to the point that he will hurt you even more seriously.

You need the practical help and emotional support of a women’s protective service. I did a quick web search and found this women’s center in your country. If they are too far away, they will be able to refer you to a service that is closer to where you live.

Do not use your home computer or your own phone to contact them. A man like this is often enraged when his wife seeks help. You could get seriously hurt if he discovers you are taking steps toward leaving.

Get out. Get out now. Get out so that you can have a better life and so that your children understand through your actions that this kind of relationship is simply not okay. You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Feb 2012

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Will Abusive Husband Change?. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 19, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/02/16/will-abusive-husband-change/

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