From Iran: My fiancé has lied to me about the most basic of things. She said she studied in the United States for her masters, and as a trusting soul I believed her. I never once asked questions regarding her past and the fact that she had studied in India before that made me think it quite probable. Then came where she lived, she said she lived in a middle class area and then I found out this was not the case, I am not a snob and do not care whether or not she and her family had money or not. But finding these things out I am starting to think she was a liar, when I questioned her about it she started crying and made me feel awful. Then she said she was 28, well me being 27 I believed her why not she doesn’t look old, then I found out she was 29, then the next day she came over and told me she was 32. At this point I have no idea what to believe and feeling why would she lie in such a way.
A: It sounds to me like your fiance doesn’t believe that she is good enough as she is. You may not be a snob but she sounds very insecure. None of her lies are harmful. She isn’t stealing or cheating or manipulating you to do things you would find shameful. She is making herself seem just a bit more educated, a little younger, and with a background that is a little more successful in order to be worthy of someone like you.
What she doesn’t seem to understand is that you love her just as she is and that these adjustments of her story make you question whether there are other, more serious things she isn’t telling you. Her efforts to make herself more acceptable to you are now doing just the opposite. She is chipping away at your trust in what she says.
If you love this woman, then compassion, not anger is the solution. Angry confrontations about her “lies” won’t solve the problem. What she needs instead is to be reassured that you love her just the way she is. I hope she has enough self-esteem to be able to take that in and accept your love.
I wish you well.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Feb 2012
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2012). Fiancee Continually Lies. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/02/07/fiancee-continually-lies/