Hello, I am a high school teenager and I have been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months. She is 17 years old, white, and from a modest household. I am 16 years old, Hispanic, and from a poorer household. We have been dating for almost 3 months now and up to about 2 weeks ago; she was everything I could ever want in a girl. But now when I am around her I don’t feel like the way I did before. We are both abstinent and have agreed to wait until after marriage. We have had fights before, but we always got through them and gotten through it together. She told me everything about her past and I found that the more I saw, the less I liked. I always start thinking how she is not the kind of girl I would have wanted to be with. But then I find myself saying,” What was I thinking? I don’t want to lose her.” This cycle has been going on for a while. I know I’m just a teenager and these things usually don’t last, but it’s been a long time since I had a relationship, because I don’t date unless it’s for a serious relationship, since I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. I admit it has gotten difficult with my girlfriend, for both of us, but we always resist because we know the consequences and because of my religious beliefs. She is a smart, pretty, rather strange, tomboyish girl. I don’t like the girly girl types and she is just as weird as I am, that’s why we get along so well. I originally became interested in her because I had been rejected b another girl. I planned on using her to get over the other girl, but then I actually started to fall for her. Then I fell in love with her, all I wanted was to make her happy and smile. But now every time we are apart I feel like I have to end it with her. She says I am her dream guy, but she is nowhere near my dream-girl, yet she is everything I could ever want. It makes little sense, but I’ll try to explain. She is not the kind of girl I envisioned to be my perfect match, but she still the qualities I want in a girl: Hardworking, intelligent, independent, happy, unintimidating, and sexy. I don’t know if I should end this or stay with her and see if my feelings change. I don’t know how I could ever leave her, I don’t want to.
A: Your thoughtful letter is very powerful to read. I don’t want this to sound lame, but I am sure it will. The quality of your thinking and the degree to which you are challenging your thought process, the relationship, and your future is extraordinary. It alone is where the value is. When you think about it isn’t that what most relationships lack? Honest evaluation, contemplation, discussion and integrity. You are doing the very thing required in any valuable relationship. You are thinking through what is not only best for your, but where the relationship is in both of your development.
I would not change a thing.
Stick with your thoughts, be honest with her, and learn from your relationship. If it is going to work our these are the traits that will be needed to make it grow. If it is destined not to work you will carry forward your learning into the next relationship.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Jan 2012
Tomasulo, D. (2012). I Don’t Know What I Feel for Her. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 11, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/01/27/i-dont-know-what-i-feel-for-her/