My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It has been almost three months and I can’t stop thinking about him. He is 29, I am 24. Some days are better than others, but I still feel extremely sad and crappy about the whole thing. He told me when we broke up that when he thinks about his future, he doesn’t see me in it anymore, and as much as he wanted us to work he just can’t do it anymore. This crushed me, even though I knew a long time ago that he wasn’t right for me. But he was my first real love, and that was the last thing I thought I would ever hear him say. He started seeing someone the week after we broke up. They are still together. I know this because I still talk to and hang out with his friends (well his guy friend’s wives.) He doesn’t have facebook, but I looked his new girl up, and her profile is not private. She posts pictures of them, and status’ about them. It makes me sick, but I can’t stop looking at it. It literally gives me an upset stomach every single time. I even check his e-mail a few times a week. I try to talk myself out of looking but I can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have not talked to him in almost two months, but I want to, badly. I want to know when he met this girl, if we were together when they met, if he cheated on me, etc. But I can’t do this or find this out without looking like the “crazy ex-girlfriend.” I feel so hopeless. Even though I say I don’t want to be with him, I also don’t feel like my heart is every going to be able to trust or fully love another person again. I don’t want him to be in my head anymore. It’s even affecting my sleep. I wake up from dreams about him, and then cannot go back to sleep. I try so hard to keep myself busy with family and friends, and even knew hobbies, but he is ALWAYS occupying my head. I don’t know what to do about it anymore, its driving me nuts. Please help. Any advice is appreciated. If you need more details I have an endless amount.
A. I am sorry about your loss. It can be difficult to lose someone with whom you feel so connected. The most helpful advice that I can offer is to focus on reality. The reality is that your boyfriend has ended the relationship. Unfortunately, you don’t have a say in the matter. When it comes to relationships, both individuals have to agree to be in the relationship. If one person votes no, and the other yes, the relationship ends. You must have two yes votes for the relationship to continue.
Most relationships don’t last. It is the norm. Breaking up is essentially a universal experience. Virtually everyone can relate. Breakups can be difficult but there is often a “silver lining.” It frees you to search for someone who will love you as much as you love them.
This is your first real love. The breakup was difficult. You are upset but in time your strong emotions about your ex will subside.
Dating is a process of trial and error and as I’ve already mentioned almost all of them end up as an error. It is a process of rejection. It is a process of saying (by one of the parties) “Nope, not compatible enough.”
Your ex appears to be saying just that. You and he were not compatible enough.
Think about all of the millions of people who experience breakups. They, too, believed that they would never recover, or that they would never find another relationship but they did. You can too.
I want you to look around at everyone you know who has a good relationship, even a seemingly perfect one. Then I want you to realize the long process of breakups, rejections, etc. that finally led to that really good relationship, that special person.
Finally, I would advise that you stop viewing Facebook photos of your ex and his new girlfriend. Not only does it upset you, it is a waste of your time. Why bother with someone who does not want to be with you?
The more assistance and support that you have during this difficult time, the better. It will pass and you will feel better. Please take care.
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 9 Jan 2012
Randle, K. (2012). Can’t Stop Thinking about Breakup. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 20, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/01/09/cant-stop-thinking-about-breakup/