I Am a Terrible Person
I am 19 and I’m the worst person. I am judgmental and hypocritical. I am insecure about everything there is about me from my looks, the way I speak, etc. I have slut shamed many girls for the way they dressed, the outlooks on sex, and other things. I lash out at my family by screaming, crying, and throwing things like my emotions is a mixture of a hurricane, earthquake, and a tornado all in one. I can say the meanest things that hurt the people I love. I am socially awkward and I don’t have any close friends. I am a terrible person and I hate myself for everything that I do, but I can’t seem to control my feelings and little by little I feel like harming myself or have thoughts of taking my life away do to my self-hatred. How do I change myself into a better person? How do I obtain the perfection that others have?
A; The first step to solving a problem is to recognize it. I don’t think you’re a terrible person at heart. I do think you’ve been terribly hurt in some way and that the only way you feel OK is to feel like you are better than other people. At this point, you’ve kind of painted yourself in a corner. No one wants to be your friend because you can be so mean. But you are mean because you feel alone and unloved and unlovable. That cycle is what needs to stop.
If you could change yourself, you would have done it already. Clearly you need some support and advice. Most colleges have mental health counselors or chaplains available to their students. I suggest you seek them out. They can provide a safe place for you to unburden yourself of your painful feelings and they can help you figure out what you need to do to reclaim the parts of yourself that are loving and fair. With time, you will feel better about yourself and less competitive and spiteful with others. It’s a project worth doing.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). I Am a Terrible Person. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 6, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/12/24/i-am-a-terrible-person/