Should I Say Something?

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I know this might sound dramatic, but it bothers me and I cant get this picture out of my head and I don’t know if I should confront my boyfriend about this or to just let it go. He always says I try to start fights when I do this but I can’t help it. Its not that I get mad it just that I talk how I feel.

…. anyway.. I have this feeling, like when I’m dating someone who I really know well and I like. That when I meet another female “friend” I can tell if my boyfriend would like her and be attracted to her. So my boyfriend’s friend has this girlfriend who became an acquaintance with me when I met her even before my boyfriend and me dated and we hang out at parties and at the clubs when our boyfriends go but were not like best friends. She’s a very sweet girl. She’s from Nicaragua. She’s pretty. Well I always felt a little jealous towards her and my boyfriend hit it off. They both speak Spanish and he’s nice and she’s nice. So I was already feeling kind of like uncomfortable with her. Well we went to the club sat night all 4 of us and at the end of the night we went outside to eat hotdogs, her boyfriend was standing outside of the hot dog stand so was I talking to someone else. And I went to go into the stand and I see my boyfriend talking to her and they were sitting very close like knees were touching and laughing. It pissed me off I don’t know why. I mean I wouldn’t care if it was any of my other friend I wouldn’t even think twice but because it was her I felt fire. So anyway he saw me standing there and waved his arm for me to come in and join them and bought me a hot dog and we were all talking. And the girl was saying how bad her boyfriend could be sometimes like “he’s a jerk” jokingly and was like but this one is so nice (meaning my boyfriend) and she kind of like touched his arm when she said that I was like. “Yeahh sometimes”. And then boyfriend came in started talking and mine got up and sat next to me. But I don’t know why this is bothering me it seems like kinda stupid but I don’t know what to do. Should I say something to him about it like how it’s bothering me or will that just make it more awkward and should I be worried?

A: Of course you should say something. Holding in these feelings will not do you — or your relationship — any good. He needs to hear this and you need to say it.

The important point is to do this without blaming him. Stay focused on your reaction and what it is that upsets you — not on blaming him. Use ” I” statements, not “you” statements, so that you keep the information you are sharing with him about your thoughts and feelings. This will allow him to hear you without having to be defensive.

Finally, I would recommend saying something sooner rather than later. I believe this will allow you to develop a more honest and trusting relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 Dec 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Should I Say Something?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 1, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/12/21/should-i-say-something/