Am I the Problem or Is He the Problem?

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my boyfriend have been on and off for 2 years in high school. We are both 19 and we Love each other so much, but we get into dumb arguments. When we started going to college thats when the problems started. He gets annoying when he comments on something that I say and he makes it seem like I did something wrong, or that I don’t Love him. I don’t know what to do because some of the arguments that we have are emotional, and I just leave because I don’t want him to see me cry.

One day he told me he was going to take me home on the bus, and I was very excited because I was going to see him. We went to eat, and we spent about an hour over there, then he tells me he has to go home, and I told him if you want to leave go ahead. He left me there and I went walking back to school. I thought that was very hurtful for me because he told me he was going to take me home, but instead he left me there by myself. He is always telling me “You know I can find another girl if you leave me.” He is constantly telling me that there are girls that look at him, and girls who flirt with him. He always wants to talk about the problems were having but its hard for me to talk about it. He also hasn’t told his dad about us being in a relationship because he’s afraid of what he might say or do. I know his mom, she likes me. I kind of know his dad, but it seems to me that he doesn’t have a good perspective on me. I don’t know why he won’t tell him about us. Sometimes I go about 2-3 weeks or months without seeing him because his dad doesn’t let him. Help me.

A: It’s time for you to gather up your self-respect and move on. A man who will leave you to walk home, who tells you you are lucky to be with him because he could be with someone else, and who doesn’t fold you into his family is a man who isn’t giving you the attention, affection, and respect you deserve. His behavior isn’t merely annoying. It’s a clear message that he isn’t that into making a real relationship.

Consciously or not, he is creating a situation where you’ll be the one who has to do the dumping. It’s kind of nice of him to be willing to be seen by you and all your friends as a jerk but it would be more helpful if he could just be honest with you.

Take him up on it. Don’t waste another minute of your time. Make yourself available again. Join in some activities where you will meet men your own age who share your interests and who will treat a woman right.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Nov 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Am I the Problem or Is He the Problem?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/11/24/am-i-the-problem-or-is-he-the-problem/