My fiance cheated on me!

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello I have an Issue! My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years and we have a child together. I have always trusted him 100 percent and he has never given me a reason not to. We are planning to get married in 2 weeks. So I joined a case study for female condoms and prior to entering the study you have to get a pap smear to ensure that you are STD free along with a pregnancy test. About 1 week later I get a call from the doctor saying that I have an STD! I was so hurt and crying I would have never imagined that this would happen to me because I have never been with anyone else after my fiance and I were together! I started to calculate when this could have happened because we had our child in June of 2010 and I tested negative for all STDs so I knew it had to have been after that! When I asked him he immeadiately lied and I tried to remain calm so that he would tell me even though I wanted to scream! Eventually he confessed that it was one time with some girl and that he was so sorry! He told me how hurt he was that he put me in this situation and apoligized several times. I went off to work but I could not understand how he could do what he did! I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM but I just dont know how. So when He called to apoligize again I just told him how hurt I was that he would have never told me if I would have never gotten an STD and he would have married me without telling me! Then he starts to say that he wants us to move past it and how he is pouring his heart out about how sorry he is and if I keep bashing him then he doesnt know what else to do about it. He then said that maybe he needs to let me live my life because of all the pain that he is causing me! I am confused because he doesnt seem to understand how hurt I am and even though he apoligized Im still in pain! what should I do?

A: Needless to say, you two have a lot of talking to do. My guess is that you will need a couples counselor to help you both express yourselves and hear what the other is saying. This issue is so serious that it is understandable that you haven’t been able to get past the hurt and guilt and anger so that you can communicate the feelings and issues that are between you.

One guess I have is that your fiance freaked out about the responsibilites of being a young father and acted out on an impulse that he later regretted. It’s possible he didn’t tell you because he just wanted to erase the whole experience. Of course, he can’t. But he isn’t the first to try to pretend that something shameful didn’t happen.

I’m concerned that we didn’t get this letter until after you had to make a decision about the wedding. Whether or not you went through with getting married, you two do need to deal with this. If you did marry, you both need to fully understand what happened so you can both get to a place of forgiveness. He needs to forgive himself as much as you need to find a way to be at peace with forgiving him.

If you didn’t marry, I hope you will still see a counselor. You two have three years and a child between you. You can’t walk away from involvement with each other because of your responsibilities as co-parents. It would be a shame to write off what could be a good marriage because of a momentary lapse of judgment, even one as serious as this one.

I think you two should give each other a chance. See a counselor. Get to the bottom of what happened. Then make your decisions. All three of you deserve to get some resolution on this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 24 Oct 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). My fiance cheated on me!. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 18, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/10/24/my-fiance-cheated-on-me/