Can’t Get Attached

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t get attached in a relationship. Is there something wrong with me? My past boyfriends are always attached to me even after I break up with them. I just got out of a 6 month relationship because I was tired of being treated wrong by cheating on me I was willing to take him back in a heart beat but I told myself to move on it has been at least a month and he is still messaging me saying he wants me back. I don’t know why though. I went out with another guy for a short period of time and realized I wasn’t ready for another love because I really was still in love with my X. I’m completely over him now but now I just can’t get attached anymore. Why is that? I try to convince myself but I just can’t. I want to be in a good relationship but they never come around. I like being single it doesn’t cause stress like it has done before but I feel like a ‘ho’ just jumping from relationship to relationship. People tell me I’m a ‘player’ or say I don’t have self-confidence, which I do sometimes. What’s wrong with me? If anything.

A: Maybe you are just learning about yourself and are trying not to be treated poorly. At 17 you are just beginning to learn about others and who you are in relationship with. Perhaps not wanting to be in a relationship is a good thing, but it may be coming out with short-term relationships designed to protect yourself. You were hurt by your boyfriend’s betrayal, and not wanting a deep attachment would be the way you would want to protect yourself. I would encourage you not to try so hard to make relationships work, but rather to take time to invest in figuring out what you want to do and developing yourself. This way you will learn more about what you need, rather than just trying to get attached to someone. The best relationships happen when there is a you, a me, and a we.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Oct 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Can’t Get Attached. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 22, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/10/23/cant-get-attached/