Trapped, pregnant and cheated on

By Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My bf and I have been together for just over 3 years. I am very aware that we don’t have a healthy relationship, but I can’t bring myself to move on. We’ve been on and off and on and off. He has addiction problems and when he drinks he calls me names and says really hurtful things. He’s cheated on me numerous times and then a few weeks later he always says how sorry he his and how he’ll never do it again (cheating/drinking/name calling/yelling/pushing. I can’t go anywhere without him constantly asking who im with or where i am, as a result i have lost ALL contact with my friends and slowly with my family.

I am 5 months pregnant, we were going to put the baby up for adoption but he changed his mind (leagally all i can do is give up parental rights and the baby goes to him if he refuses to sign adoption papers). I feel trapped. He’s in jail for the next two years as of a month ago, i have no support from him, he lost his job 3 weeks before he went to jail and left me to pay the rent by myself. On top of all this i just found out that he cheated on me when i was 4 months pregnant. I don’t understand how he could do that when we were living together and he knew very well that i was expecting as he’d already been to ultrasounds with me.

I know our relationship is unhealthy, im not happy. He always blames me for everything (his drinking, the fact he cheated, the reason he’s in jail….which was 2 years ago he assaulted someone and assisted his friend in a robbery. i was at home that night)

I feel so lost right now, I dont know what to do.. I know I need to get out of the relationship because when I was 13 weeks pregnant we had gotten in an argument and he threw me to the ground, I called the cops the arrested him and were going to charge him (he then called me saying if I didn’t have the charges dropped he would have nothing to do with the baby) So I lied and said I made the story up to get the assault charges dropped, even though I was taken to the hosptial afterwards and the police have pictures of my injuries. I dont understand why I am so attached to someone who continually hurts me. I dont get why I can’t say enoughs enough and try to regain control of my life. i know it’s the best thing to do but i cant bring myself to do it.

A: You’ve been with this guy since you were only 16. My guess is that you have so little experience with relationships that you are terrified to leave this one. It’s all you’ve known. Your story is the story of thousands upon thousands of women who get trapped in abusive relationships. You know you should leave but you think you can’t. Your boyfriend has isolated you from your supports and threatened you and your baby. He’s convinced you everything is your fault. (It’s not.) Of course you’re scared.

The good news is that he is out of your life for awhile. Use the time he’s in jail to get some better information and to develop some supports. Your province has a network of women’s shelters. Go to this website.
You may not need a shelter but you certainly need the information and referrals that these organizations can provide for you. Get some counseling. Join a support group. Get more information about your legal rights.

I don’t know why you dropped charges when he said he’d have nothing to do with the baby. That sounds good to me. If you can’t bring yourself to get out of this situation for yourself, I hope you can think of your baby. This man is not someone you want to bring up your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Oct 2011

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). Trapped, pregnant and cheated on. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/10/08/trapped-pregnant-and-cheated-on/