Sex with boy-girl

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My significant other wants to have sex with a boy-girl.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and my bf recently broke up with me because he said he wasn’t happy. In the end we got to talk and he opened up about desires that he had which he felt he couldn’t do with me. The desires are sexual in nature and the biggest one I have a problem with is the threesome with another man or a boy-girl. He likes the feeling of anal sex and wants to try the real thing. We had sex yesterday during which he said he loved me and I felt really connected to him, I thought things would be better. He is trying the anal sex thing soon, with or without me yet he said a couple of days ago he would only do it with me because he wanted to feel safe and to share that moment with me, but he contacted someone on Craig list and set a meeting time to hookup sometime next week. He sent me an email with pics of the girl from Craig’s list he is probably meeting up with. I am very confused because this obviously doesn’t include me. Since we aren’t together he really doesn’t need to include me. I love him very much and I was willing to try it later on had he given me the chance to feel secure in our bond, but I’m not ready now. I need advice on what to do. Is this situation normal? There is more to it but that’s the gist of what is happening.

A: The real question here isn’t if it is normal, it is if you want to be in a relationship where sexual intimacy isn’t exclusive. Here are the questions that I think are in front of you: What are your goals in a relationship? Will you be resentful of him for this exploration? Do you feel this puts you at risk? What are your needs in this or any relationship?

I think these are very deep questions and my advice is to not push away your discomfort, but to examine it and decide if this relationship gives you what you need now, and whether it has the potential to do that in the future.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 23 Sep 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Sex with boy-girl. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/09/23/sex-with-boy-girl/