No longer turned on

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I do not feel turned on by my man, instead I feel violated.

I have been with my man for over a year now. Our sex life was so fun, exploring what we liked with one another. I feel like he is my soul mate. Due to money and not being able to find a job, about 4 months into our relationship, I became a cam model where I masturbate live on my web cam for money. He knows I do this. I am not proud but it has kept us a float all this time. I have recently signed up to join the Canadian Forces. I always felt I was meant for something great and obviously that’s not web cam sex. Sadly it is taking a long time to get all my papers together it’s been almost 2 months now that I am waiting to start my basic training. And the more and more time that passes the more I want to rip my hair out. I can’t stand going on cam pretending I like doing what I do. Sometimes I even hurt myself accidentally trying to please the men that watch. And now when my boyfriend tries to touch me I feel violated. I do not want to make love anymore. Instead I am distant. I hope that things will change when I am no longer a cam model. But I miss my boyfriend, and our late night love making sessions. It’s like I don’t trust him anymore. Is there anything I should do to get back the passion we once had NOW?

A: Quit. That is the first step in your recovery. While the need for money drove you to do what you didn’t want to do, you can’t simply turn it off. The same would be true if you spent your nights working in dance clubs for hours on end, then tried to function out in the world — you would find your sleep patterns would have changed, your ability to hear would have been diminished, and you would see the world through that lens.

In the cam world you are an object and the men are using you for their own pleasure. You get nothing out of the deal in terms of connection. The natural outcome is that you are no longer going to be able to be anything but an object to your man. It isn’t that you don’t trust him, it is that you don’t trust your own feelings toward him.

After you quit, give yourself time to decompress. You did what you needed to do to make ends meet; now do what you need to do to restore yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Sep 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). No longer turned on. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 25, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/09/11/no-longer-turned-on/