Betrayed long distance

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating a man for eight months and found out he was married and he lied about it. He says he is separated and feared losing me if I knew he was not divorced. He has been caught lying and been very deceptive since then over very huge “could be a deal breaker” issues, “strip clubs” and more, and now says he is so sorry and wants me to trust him and he will do whatever it takes to earn my trust. I do love him but do not trust him. He wants me to move to where he lives five states away and just start over. I feel that is not something I can begin to entertain now that our trust is so tainted. Please help me. I am so trusting and dont know what to do. I do not want to be the fool once again. Can I believe him….

A: I can appreciate how devastating this was for you, but it is time to cut your losses and learn from this experience. You said “I do love him but do not trust him.” Please think about this. Love and trust must go together for an integrated feeling. Otherwise it is like pointing the front wheels of a car in different directions and you never move forward. I would accept the fact that his lying and betrayal have been consistent, and that he has forfeited your love. While this is sad it would be sadder if you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and hurt again.

The thing I would do is review when you were first aware of the problem and what you did to talk yourself into staying. The lesson to be learned from this relationship will be on how not to do this again. I would encourage you to schedule at least a few sessions with a therapist to explore these reasons so you can move on and keep this from happening again. The find help tab at the top of the page will let you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 2 Sep 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Betrayed long distance. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 28, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/09/02/betrayed-long-distance/