Not sexy

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a young woman in my prime….and I can’t be sexy. I find that whenever my boyfriend and I are trying to be intimate I don’t see myself as sexy and I have very low self-esteem. I can’t bring myself to talk during sex even when my partner asks me to say something sexy and while I do enjoy sex I just don’t feel it. I feel silly and embarrassed of my own sexuality and it really is taking away from our sex life.
Please help!

A: I can understand why this would be difficult, but maybe you are trying too hard.

I would encourage you to experiment with trying only one thing differently. Don’t try to change who you are all at once. Experiment with saying one thing, wearing something different, using different lighting, or choosing new music, but don’t try to do it all at once. Often major changes have to evolve developmentally. This means small steps rather than huge leaps work best.

Experiment with the one change for a while until you feel ready to try the next thing. The way to change is building skill and readiness. Taking one event at a time may help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral




Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 31 Aug 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Not sexy. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 29, 2015, from

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