I don’t want to lose him, but some things are hard to get over
My boyfriend & I have been knowing each other since the 6th grade & we actually hooked up in 2007 but we were just friends the whole year of 2006. We have a 2yr old daughter. We have been through so much together; deaths in the family, jail/prison sentences, being broke with nothing but we made it through all of it. He’s cheated on me once that I know of but I’m not sure of any other times. He had sex with 1 girl & spent “time” with another girl (his ex-girl from high school). I never had a reason to suspect him of cheating until I started checking his text messages & call logs. At first I wouldn’t find anything but 1 day I discovered him texting a girl who he later slept with. So ever since then all I do is check his phone whenever I can. If he is sleep I’m sneaking out of the bed with him to check his phone. If he’s not at home I obsessively call his phone at least 50 times all night because I think he’s out cheating. When he went to jail I had a break down because he couldn’t call me for a few days but I thought he was calling someone else. This is killing me because I don’t want to be with ANYBODY else! He is all I think of and the only man I want to ever be with. Whenever I threaten to leave him because of his infidelity (or if I find him texting another girl) he always starts crying & telling me that he can’t lose me, he won’t lose me. We do everything together & will give each other the world. He hates when I check his phone or constantly accuse him but it’s so hard not too especially since I just recently caught him at the house of his ex girlfriend. For some reason I can’t let go. He keeps telling me that I need to trust him but how?! I love this man with everything that is in me! I can’t lose him! PLEASE HELP!
A: I can hear how difficult this is for you and am very glad you have taken the time to write us.
As far as your reactions, he hasn’t given you enough of a reason to trust him. That is the reason you are feeling this way. I think the two of you would profit from couples therapy, particularly since it will be important for both of you to have better communication for your daughter. The above ”find help” tab can help you locate someone in your state.
If he is unwilling I would begin your own individual therapy. Having support as you try to cope with this will be very important.
About Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPPDan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
Tomasulo, D. (2011). I don’t want to lose him, but some things are hard to get over. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 29, 2016, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/08/15/i-dont-want-to-lose-him-but-some-things-are-hard-to-get-over/