I have no sexual desires toward my partner

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP


I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now but for more than a year I have not wanted to have sex with him. I now can’t even make the effort just to please him and we are not intimate in anyway (minimal hugs, no kisses). I still love him, think he is cute and care for him but I know the way things are is not right. We don’t see eye to eye on many subjects and I don’t really feel we have any fun together. Recently I have been wandering whether I would be better off single and have been fantasizing about other men and passionate encounters (although not anyone specific)

I’m so confused, as I’m not sure whether I am staying with him because it’s easy and comfortable (I enjoy our lifestyle of holidays and meals out). I don’t have many friends or family so without him I pretty much have nothing.

This is only my second long term relationship and the same thing happened the first time around- I cringed at the thought of being intimate with him and craved passion with someone else- so maybe this is just the way it will always be for me. I’m not very confident so always seem to choose ‘nice’ guys but then seem to get bored and desire something a bit rough and wild- but is this just a case of ‘the grass is always greener’ and unrealistic long term. I’ve also always seen sex as a physical act and don’t attach emotion, when I was younger I enjoyed the excitement and emotionless ness of one nightstands.

I’m so confused and am just so distressed as I thought this was the right relationship for me for the rest of my life.

A: I can imagine that this is a very uncomfortable space to be in. But my suggestion is to deal with this sooner rather than later. The relationship as you thought it would be is over, so don’t prolong the agony for you or him. First of all, he deserves more than what you are giving, and his tolerance for the less-than-adequate relationship will be something he will have to educate himself about in therapy. But as far as your side of the equation, I would be direct and let him know that your feelings have systematically been diminished and that you are not fully present in the relationship. I would find the courage to end it and try to come to grips with understanding the dissatisfaction you feel at the end of relationships.

Here is a link to an article I’ve written about how we are attracted to others and what we might be able to do to alter it.

As you make these changes in your life I would strongly recommend that you begin therapy to help understand these feelings you have. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 25 Jul 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). I have no sexual desires toward my partner. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/07/25/i-have-no-sexual-desires-toward-my-partner/

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