Sex drive is too high

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 9 months. Our relationship is very healthy and we are very happy together. When I am with him, I barely even notice other men. He and I have sex almost every day, often more than once a day. I have always had a very high sex drive, as does he, so our sex life is wonderful. I love him very much, and am completely devoted to him. We live in Europe and for 2 months I am home visiting my family. It is really difficult being away from him, but we talk every day and I cannot wait to see him again. My problem is that I am unbearably horny. When I am with other men, I have to consciously tell myself not to act on my desires. I hate myself for feeling like this, and I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to remain faithful. Can you tell me what my problem is and how to fix it?

A: Sometimes a high sex drive is a barrier to intimacy, rather than an enhancement. If it seems as if your drive is nearly uncontrollable, then you want to find ways to cope.

Obviously masturbation is the easiest way to manage during an extended separation. If you aren’t taking care of yourself in that way you may want to experiment. But if the drive and the desire for other men remains high and is bothering you, you may wish to talk to a therapist about it. If therapy isn’t possible, or you are not ready for it, you may want to read Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes as a way of ruling out this possibility.

Finally, it sounds like you have a wonderful partner who is cut from the same cloth as you, so one way to deepen your intimacy is to talk to him about the struggle you are having. You may find that you may both be wrestling with the same issue, or you may simply find that talking about the struggle with him helps. In either case talking about it is likely to enhance your intimacy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Jul 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Sex drive is too high. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/07/11/sex-drive-is-too-high/