I don’t fit anywhere
(forgive me for the spelling, english is not my first language) I come from a good family, I have always been successfull at school, sports and verry popular with girls (although i had no interest in them). I grew up with everything i needed to be happy. However, I have never felt close to anyone. I have been in contact with a lot of nice people in my life, some that i can call friends, but i never felt at ease with them. My parents told me recently that when i was verry young I was always playing alone, even when other children were around. I don’t know why, but I have never felt comfortable with people, and with the world around me.
I have recently told my family that i was gay (a thing that i always knew inside of me). Everything was ok with them, they love me for what I am. I tought it would be good for me to say it, but everything is worst with me now. I have lost even more interest in people around me. I DEEPLY HATE the way the world is working, I have lost all interest in school, sports and most of my remaning ‘friends’. I wake up at noon every day, wishing I could fall back to sleep and stay in my dreams. I can’t sleep at night because I end up crying in my bed asking why did I end up like that. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I would rather throw up than go to work. I want to find another job or study another subject, but the more I think about it i just find out that I really have no interest in anything. I just feel like I am body without a soul.
I have always been alone, I have everything to be happy but I can say that I have never been in my entire life, and now I can’t see any future for me. I tought I might be depressive or something, but I am not sure. I have always been like that, things just got worst throught my life. I don’t think a pill or a treatment will make me like this world or people around me.
Am I normal?
A: Yeah. I think you’re a normal guy going through a real hard time. On the one hand, it feels good to be “out” to family who love you for you. On the other hand, you know that the world at large still has a ways to go before sexual orientation is a non-issue. Your emotional state makes complete sense to me. It sounds to me like you need some mentors who can help you figure out how to be truly yourself and live happily with others.
You are lucky to live in a city that has an organization that can offer the support and practical help you need. Contact the Canadian Association for Education and Outreach. Among other services they offer is GayLine at 514-866-5090. From their website: “Our mission is to provide a high quality free and confidential help and information telephone service in English for gender and/or sexual minorities. ” They talk to people about issues like these:
- Coming to terms with your sexual orientation
- Coming out to friends and family
- Dealing with loneliness
- Problems finding lovers and friends
- Contemplating suicide
- Discovering that your child, partner or friend is gay
- Getting information about safer sex and AIDS
- Working out problems in your relationship
- Surviving conjugal violence
- Handling discrimination and violence related to homophobia
You made an important first step in contacting us here at PsychCentral. Please find the strength to make a call.
I wish you well.
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2011). I don’t fit anywhere. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 6, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/07/05/i-dont-fit-anywhere/