Betrayal, lies, and deceit in a committed relationship

By Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP


How does a person get over and move on after being involved with person for 5 years and she now lies, lies, and lies. Nothing makes sense anymore. I’m am really hurt and she doesn’t seem to care how much she hurts me by continuing to lie. She hasn’t called me in 5 months and then suddenly she calls me five times in one afternoon and tells me she misses me and wants to marry. I was surprised, but duped again, and hurt again. She stated that she’s dating a lot of different men without being intimate.

But then I was told that she’s actually living with one of the guys. I’m devastated, because there is no way she’s going to live with a guy and not be intimate. How do you deal with a pathological liar? I need closure. Thank you.

A: How horrible it sounds to be betrayed like this. I am very sorry that you are going through this. The very short answer is that you do not deal with a pathological liar. There is nothing to teach them or look forward to. The number and depth of the betrayal requires you to grieve the loss, not try to save her.

I would find a therapist to work with as you get out of this relationship ASAP. Yes it is sad and miserable, but trying to get a straight answer from her will only bring more pain. Get out now.

The bigger work is to start trying to learn why you (at some level) chose a pathological liar to be with. Here is an article I’ve written on the motivation behind why we chose our partners. Perhaps that will help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jun 2011

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2011). Betrayal, lies, and deceit in a committed relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 23, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/06/30/betrayal-lies-and-deceit-in-a-committed-relationship/